IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

masked depression

I think my symptoms fit the description. Here's why:
- Depression is found to be associated with Obsessive-compulsive disorder in 67% of cases. And God knows I have OCD when it comes to door-locking. Car doors, room doors, any doors. I'm just compelled to keep pressing, pushing, pulling to make sure it's securedly locked. It can take me 10 minutes of checking just to to be convinced that my door is locked. It wears me out sometimes, but the thought is just too hard to resist. Bona fide OCD.

- One of the common manifestations of masked depression is a change in the person's behaviour. Unusually sad mood can make one shoplift, consume alcohol, exhibit sexual promiscuity etc. In my case, it's alcohol, but that's in the past. I drank for the wrong reasons back then. I won't deny that my feeling low then was the main trigger for me to crave for drinks, to quench the emptiness within. However that's no longer true now. I am drinking for the right reasons these days. Nonetheless, I recently got a stunning remark from a friend who told me that I've somehow changed, that I've lost the radiance and glee I once possessed. I was even attached to the unfriendly term of looking rather 'constipated' (quote and unquote). It surprised me that I look sad on the exterior when I thought I feel alright inside. Obviously I have been denying the truth. Escapism. I am guilty of that too.

I'm so wretched within that it actually show on my face? That's new. Am I really a masked depressive? I just know this: I'm not suicidal.

loss

Mourning for a loss...
not because it is lost,
but because there's no chance to fulfill the promises once made...