重新

路走到了尽头，就唯有回头重新来过。
虽然很无奈委屈
虽然身心很疲惫
虽然不知前方如何
虽然没抱太多希望
虽然很可能会犯同样的错
但除了重新出发，还能怎样？

不知为何，最近有点迷失自己的感觉
终日浑浑厄厄地过着
好像生命中突然有一部分的我流失了
好像心里失去了一些东西
但就是说不上是什么
这种感觉很辛苦，快让人窒息

很想再次从心底笑出来 因为许久未开心过
很想放下‘我’这包袱
很想时光倒留选择昔日放弃的路
很想。。。很想。。。

但这一切都不可能，不是吗？
那就只有继续走下去。。。
但在那之前，可否让我先停在这里？

Winds of change

The winds of change blew me off my feet, heck, it blew away my head.
Couldn't say I didn't see it coming, just didn't see it coming so hard.
Now I'm left picking up dead ends and making them meet.
And it's not pretty. And I dislike it.
And I wanted to say how much I hated it, but I don't even know where to begin.
It was convenient. I knew.
I expected as much.
Yet, it still hurts when the winds of change slapped me.
Indeed, nothing is permanent.
Moments are fleeting.
Feelings could get old.
People give up easily.
And Time, Time never lies.

happily never after

Besides my undying love for the rain, I also somehow enjoy writing in the middle of the night, say 4a.m. So here goes...

It's a pretty absurd discovery I made. I was only surprised why I hadn't seen it in that light before. It's general principle that Love is the basic ingredient for two person to be together. What's ridiculous is that Love can also be the reason for two person NOT to be together. I'm not talking about those who choose to stay away from their beloved for the benefit of the other party. Yes, it's true human tend to be in way above their head or narcissistic to entertain themselves with acts and thoughts of being the generous one to let another person go in the name of love, if by that act it'd bring that person closer to their perceived happiness. We give it a grand name too, 'Sacrifice'. However, the case in question is nothing like this.

What perplexes me is how two people can be tied with Love, yet choosing to let go, not in the name of Sacrifice, but for something else. How can Love be the binding factor for some, but the breaking factor for others? I don't understand. Girl meets boy, both fell in love, both need each other, but instead of being together, they separated because they want to preserve that chemistry that sparked affection in them in the very first place. It doesn't seem to make sense, yet it appears highly plausible and it does happen. People part ways out of Love, too.

Maybe they're afraid of what's ahead. Maybe they knew better. Maybe they're just not strong enough. I wouldn't say they give up Love. They just want it so much more than others that they halt at Love itself.

(I realize the above article makes absolutely no sense, even to to the author herself. I have the idea, but my words are not doing it any justice... Maybe I need to catch up on my sleep.)

Destiny

I saw a movie about Destiny today - Slumdog Millionaire. It's easily one of the most heavily Indian-flavored films I've ever watched yet I don't hate it. In fact, it brought back some memories of my time in India. Mumbai's strong contrast of sleeziness and wealth, the gloriously empty Taj Mahal, the children beggars. All that constitutes India was captured within that 2-hour show. Ironic how a movie centred around Destiny should be shot at such a destination.

So the movie left me with a grand question: Is Destiny really written in the stars? According to the film, it is. How else could an uneducated lad of the lower caste in society becomes a millionaire overnight via a television show? For he's neither a cheater nor a genius. Luck, maybe. But Destiny?

If there is such a thing as Destiny, who decides it? I don't have enough faith to believe that the higher being has a hand in this. I'm also not egotistical to think I hold my Destiny in my own hands. How can two individuals be destined for one another? How can one man be destined to succeed while another fail? How can a child be destined to beg on the streets while others float in seas of luxury? What exactly differentiates our Destiny?

Most people would think that the choices we make in life lead us onto different paths. How and what we choose decides our Destiny. Some would insist that Destiny is a beautiful mysterious unknown guarded by many factors that have intricately woven itself into our life. I can't wholly agree with any. I don't think a person can choose their own destiny, nor can they walk about life believing that they are already living their destiny. Because if either of that is possible, we'd all be content, yet the truth is, none of us is really content, at least not for too long.

I think those who believe in Destiny will only be led on a wild goose chase, for how in the world would you know your Destiny, and more specifically, where/how to look for it? It's a destination so obscure that I believe I wouldn't have known it even if I've reached it. But I think we need to believe in it. We all need to believe that each decision we make in life, each separation we struggle with, each heartache we endure will eventually lead us to where we're supposed to be. We just need to believe that there's someplace we belong and that each day we're getting closer to it. And maybe that's our common Destiny - to belong.

right now

I don't care about the 'happily ever after' at this moment. There's never any of that for me anyway. I just want 'right now'.
Right now, I don't want to have to dream about those nonsense that startled me in my sleep.
Right now, I don't want to commit to huge responsibilities.
Right now, I want instant gratification.
Right now, I want to free myself from the shackles that I've worn for years.
Right now, I just want it to be about 'me'.
Right now, I just need it.

you know it's bad when..

You know it's bad when you fall asleep crying...

You know it's bad when you cry in your dreams...

You know it's bad when you wake up crying...

throaty

You know how sometimes you feel like you've been innocently good for a long while, abiding all the rules to the point it frustrates you, that you finally decided it's time to let all hell break loose? That's how it was for me, tonight.

I've been utterly fed up with my non-healing persistent dry cough and all the food I had to abstain from, in the hopes that it'd speed up the healing process. Well, healing never quite happened. And I just about had enough of avoiding spicy or cold food/beverages for almost 3 weeks now that I made the wisest decision to just start eating whatever damn thing I like! Spciy mutton murtabak, bring it on! Cold chocolatey ice-cream, I'm coming! Hey, if I'm gonna break the rules, might as well push it as far as I can go. So I ate all that I'm not supposed to eat, all the while secretly hoping that it might have a reverse effect, that somehow these no-no food may bring my annoying cough to a stop. Fat chance!

Nonetheless, it feels good to be reckless sometimes, even to a small degree.

Of course recklessness costs. The price is about RM 15.50, for a bottle of cough syrup. ;) Wish me luck.